from THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX  by Richard Smith (1979)

ACTIVITY
CALORIES
BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES
  With partner's consent
12
  Without partner's consent
187
UNHOOKING BRA
  Using two calm hands
7
  Using one trembling hand
96
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner
15
Dragging partner along floor
16
Using skateboard
3
ACHIEVING ERECTION
For normal, healthy man
2
For normal, healthy woman
549
Losing erection
1
Searching for it
115
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection
1
Without erection
337
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is
  Experienced
  Inexperienced
 

6
73
If man does it regardless of experience
680
NOTE: Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room
INSERTION
If woman is ready
1
If man is not
274
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian -- man on top, woman in kitchen
26
Russian --  woman on bottom, man getting permission
55
American --  both on top
60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Bouncing
7
Sliding around
9
Serious skidding
32
Whiplash
148
ORGASM
Real
27
Faked
160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off
35
Expression didn't change
1
Orchestra swelled
6
Birds sang
  Small birds
  Large birds
 

3
9
Earth moved
37
PULLING OUT
After orgasm
1
A few moments before orgasm
500
PENIS ENVY
For woman
3
For man
86
GUILT
Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally and spontaneously  

53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving
2
Sex on your lunch hour
3
...and you put it on your expense report
20
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants
5
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay
14
Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time
18
Partner is taking phone calls
7
Partner is making phone calls
48
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse
60
By your spouse
62
Trying to explain
155
Trying to remain calm
100
Leaping out of bed
25
Getting dressed in one large motion
300
Thanking partner quickly
2