Another year has passed
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency, in middle age, are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
|Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and
loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and
getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a sizable erection.
Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"
Here is an exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. Just don't over-do it. (I'm still at stage 1 myself.)
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then 50 lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel
confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
What is your age?
An elderly couple is enjoying
an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over
and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together
over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against
the fence and I made love to you."
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them. "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric!."
|A very elderly gentleman, very
well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly
looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
|An elderly couple had dinner
at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last
night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too many good alternatives
to getting older. Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is an even
bet they are talking about everything that is wrong with them.
You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, etc.
Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with everyone else.
If I have a problem, I find a solution. It is not always the solution that I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I don't discuss it with every person I see on the street that is past 65.
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town.
This seems to meet my EVERY need.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making
his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two
little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why
they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new shoes."