Entries from the 
Republican-to-English Dictionary

In case you've been having trouble recently deciphering speeches and news reports, help is here.

Alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for gas and oil.

Bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.

Burning bush /n./ A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.

Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.

Class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

Climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

Compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

Creation science /n./ Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental. (see insert)

DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.

Extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.

Faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."

Free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

Girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.

God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.

Growth /n./ 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2.What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

Healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.

Honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g.,"Freedom is on the march.").

House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $1million to $5 million (See: Senate).

Insanity /n./ See: staying the course.

Laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.

Leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.

Liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.

No Child Left Behind /riff./ 1. There are always jobs in the military. 

Ownership society /n./ 1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth. 2. A political system inwhich all power is in the hands of the owners.

Patriot Act /n./ 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

Pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.

Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.

Simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

Staying the course /interj./slang./ Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: Insanity).

Stuff happens /interj./slang./ I don't have to live in Baghdad.

Voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.

Woman /n./ 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.  2.Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.