|It had been a horrible week for Henry. An entomologist at the local
university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would
come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach.
His Biology 210 classes were always packed and two years ago he was honored
by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the Dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects?
They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
|It was a hot summer's day,
and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically
named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive
so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.
Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
|Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was
an ecologist. He found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being
forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt
to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.
These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.
Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free.
In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It starts out . . . "Start spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song was, of course, . . . "New Ark, New Ark."
|There was once a newly ordained
priest who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do parish. His boss, the
senior priest, had been there for many years and was steeped in wisdom.
The young priest was very full of himself, having taken a number of prizes
for preaching in seminary.
He was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I could, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to preach a sermon."
The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the test.
"Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit."
The young priest looked forward to the test with relish.
The day came. He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation.
The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
|The scene: After Groucho
Marx has crossed out most of the sections of a proposed contract.
Groucho: ". . . party of the first part, nah, we don't need that."
Chico: "And what's a that."
Groucho: "Oh, that's a standard clause. We need this one. It says that if one of the parties isn't legally sane, then the contract is void. It's the sanity clause."
Chico: "Ahh, you canna foola me, . . . I know there's no sanity clause!"
|Last year when the big quake hit the L.A. area, part of the damage
included the totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in
from out of state.
When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they rejected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-fault policy.
After losing out this way, the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to fight this kind of rip-off from happening again.
He called it the San Andreas Fund. However nothing came of it, hardly anyone contributed to aid the fund in its efforts.
The general feeling was that charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.
|They were the first to attempt
to colonize Mars.
They had landed with grass seeds to plant and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But, the grass wouldn't grow and none of the calves could survive. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there was not enough fodder to meet their needs.
So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef.
Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory, and it was.
Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies.
The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "We got everything we asked for. They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy."
|Once upon a time, a
long long time ago, there was a desert. In the middle of this desert was
a lake. This lake was the only source of water for hundreds of miles (yes,
miles - I did say that this was a long time ago!), so, as you can imagine,
it was considered a rather important lake. The lake was on the borders
of three countries, all of whom were constantly squabbling over possession
of the lake. Each country, as you can imagine, wanted exclusive use of
Although small skirmishes were constantly occurring around the lake, no country ever had decisive control over the lake. One day, the rulers of the three countries decided to settle this thing, once and for all. They sent messengers too each other, and eventually managed to settle on a time and place for The Battle.
The day before The Battle, the three armies turned up near The Battleground, and started setting up camp.
The army of the first country consisted of 150 knights, each with three squires to look after his personal needs. The army of the second squire had 200 knights, but because of budgetary restrictions, each knight had only two squires to look after him. The third country was on an ever tighter budget, and as such, their entire army consisted of only one knight with only one squire.
As was their job, the Squires started work, unpacking, setting up tents, grooming horses, etc.... The knights, being persons of considerable importance (in their own eyes, at least) just relaxed. Well, the knights in two of the armies did, anyway. In the third army, there was just too much work for one person to cope with it, and so while the Squire busied himself grooming the horse and preparing food, the knight set up the tents. After the knight had his squire had eaten, but before they turned in for the night, they made sure that they tied their pot, with a large amount of left-over stew, to a noose, and hung it high up a nearby tree - remember, this army was very poor, and they could not afford to just throw food away, or have it stolen by one of the other armies.
The next morning, the excitement was intense. This was the Big Day. The knights were beside themselves with excitement as the squires prepared themselves and rode out to fight. That's right, the squires went out to fight. The knights, being, in their estimation, Persons of Importance, had far more important things to do than fight – for instance, they'd heard that there was a big battle on today, and were eagerly looking forward to watching the spectacle.
The armies rode toward each and finally met. The Big Fight was on in a Big Way. Much to the disappointment of the knights, a huge cloud of dust and sand (this was in the middle of a desert, remember) soon arose, obscuring their vision of the fight. They could only dimly make out was going on. Nobody had any idea what was happening, except that the number of squires still up and fighting seemed to be diminishing rapidly.
Eventually, the dust settled, and there was only one squire left, and a weary squire he was too. Contrary to everybody’s expectations, the battle had been won by the single squire from Country Three!
Which just goes to show, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the some of the squires of the other two sides.
|Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped.
He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.
Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at
an alarming rate.
Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help.
Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce.
Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium.
"You mean...?" said Jim.
"Yes," said Tom, "They need monosodium glue to mate!"
|It's hard to believe that Lucy and I are actually getting married, considering the fact that her multi-millionaire father owns the local NFL franchise, and I'm just a lowly, underpaid member of the grounds crew, relegated to painting the team logo on the field, which is actually a fairly difficult job, what with all the little flairs, curlicues and swooshes I have to deal with, not to mention the texture of the turf itself, relative humidity and all the foot traffic that it gets; but I dye grass.|
|A midwest Indian tribe was in a severe famine. Hundreds of tribe members
were dying each day. Not sure what to do, the Chief went to the medicine
man for advice. "Medicine man" he said, "what can we do to get out of this
The medicine man replied, "I will go into the Great Tent and have a vision of what is to be done." Three hours later the medicine man returns to the chief and says, "We must travel west across the plains and over the mountains, and just on the other side of the mountains we will see lush grasses and bacon trees with plenty of bacon for us to eat."
Slightly puzzled by the medicine man's request the Chief said, "Are you sure of this?"
"Yes, bacon trees will be waiting for us," replied the medicine man.
The Chief and his tribe took the wise man's advice and traveled across the plains. Along the way most of the tribe died from heat and starvation and only a few members remained as they reached the summit of the mountains. As they looked over the mountain they saw lush green grass, but no bacon trees. But because they were so hungry and trusted the medicine man's vision, they ran down the mountain toward the lush grass.
No sooner than they reached the edge of the grasses the calvary rushed out and killed every one of them. In his final dying minutes the Chief crawled to the medicine man and said, "So, where are these bacon trees?"
The medicine man could only reply, ... "they must have been ham bushes."
|A number of years ago
there lived on Long Island, a wealthy business man who had made and lost
a couple of fortunes on Wall Street in his short 29 years. At the time
of this story, the business man was enjoying his third fortune and had
taken a year off from work.
His mother had recently died and one day while he was exploring some old chests in the attic of the huge farmhouse in the Adirondack Mountains near Lake Placid, he came across a map that was obviously very, very old. Something striking about the he map immediately caught his attention.
After studying the map for several days, the business man became convinced that this was indeed an authentic map to the fabled Seven Cities of Cybolla. Persistent stories handed down from generation to generation told of a fabulously wealthy circle of seven cities whose exact location had been lost somewhere in the deep, dark jungles of Africa and had never been found.
These stories also told of fabulous stores of jewels, gold and priceless artifacts that still existed for anyone who could locate the seven cities.
The business man was determined to be the first to find the Seven Cities of Cybolla and to claim its treasures, so he confided in two of his closest friends and persuaded them to join him.
Together, they sailed to Africa, rode overland for four days and found themselves in the small town of Aba on the border of the deepest jungles in what was once the country of Belgian Congo. There they organized a safari of 25 native porters carrying food, clothing, supplies and large, empty boxes with which to carry the treasures out of the jungle.
Early the next morning, a line of native porters led by the three Americans headed out into the jungles. Travel was slow in the intense heat and humidity of the tropical forest, particularly as they had to literally cut every inch of their path by swinging huge machetes to clear away the vines and undergrowth. For four days of grueling travel, following the markings on the old map, the safari made its way across swollen rivers, through mosquito infested swamps and past many alligator nests.
At high noon on the fifth day, while the safari was resting from its exhausting work, the group suddenly heard a terrifying sound off in the distance in the direction in which the safari was headed.
"Foo! Foo! Foo!" was the sound.
The members of the safari looked at each other, unsure what was making such a shrieking, ungodly sound.
All of a sudden, there appeared in the air directly over the group, a huge, black bird, screaming at a deafening level, "Foo! Foo! Foo!" In one swoop, the Foo Bird took aim at the first of the three Americans at the head of the safari, dove headlong through the air at near supersonic speed in a dive bombing run so well executed that any military pilot would have been impressed, and completely covered the man with crap. It was a terrible, vile smelling mess!
The poor man quickly ran to the edge of the nearby stream, dove in and immediately began to scrub away at the disgusting crap. After an hour of hard work, the majority of the stuff had been washed away and the man felt he was ready to move on again.
That night, while everyone else was sleeping, the man died.
The rest of the expedition were truly saddened by the death of the man, but the two remaining American organizers decided that they should continue on in spite of this tragedy. They were sure their friend would have wanted it that way and besides, now the treasure now only had to be split two ways.
Before long they were on their way, hacking their path through the jungle after they had properly buried the body of their friend. Unfortunately they had not gone too far when once again they heard the sounds of the approaching Foo Bird. "Foo!. Foo! Foo!"
The safari members began to run for cover but it was too late and the huge Foo Bird suddenly appeared at the head of the line of running people, took aim at the American in the lead, and dumped a tremendous load which covered the man from head to foot.
It was excruciating to the poor man but as he raced to the stream to wash the terrible mess off, he stopped, remembered that the first man had died after he had cleaned away the very same kind of crap.
Perhaps, he reasoned, there was a connection between washing and his unfortunate death.
With that, the second man returned to the group, determined not to take a bath as long as he could stand it.
That determination lasted for nearly a week when finally , it became so unbearable in appearance, smell and discomfort that the man finally gave in.
He went to the stream and cleaned the mess from his body.
Later that night, while everyone else was sleeping, he died.
The business man who had initiated the safari was very sad because he had lost two of his closest friends, but decided to continued because he knew his friends would have wanted him to. Besides, the treasure would be his alone with no need to share it with anyone else!
The next morning he climbed to the top of the a hill and to his amazement, there at his feet, lay a lush, tropical valley and the Seven Cities of Cybolla glittering in all their glory. The business man rushed down the hill, along the banks of the river and made his way to the entrance of the cities. As he ran deliriously through the streets of the cities he yelled "They are mine It's all mine!"
He yelled so loudly and was so overwhelmed at his unbelievable discovery that he didn't hear the approaching Foo Bird. The gigantic bird took aim at the business man and as accurately as in his first two attacks, smartly deposited the largest load of crap yet on the man running through the empty streets.
The stunned man stopped and was about to rush to the stream to wash the mess off when he realized that it would be certain and immediate death in the night to do so. He sadly realized that he had discovered the worlds richest treasures, but had also been given the cross of isolation at the same time.
To make a very long story somewhat shorter, the business man did claim all the wealth of the Seven Cities of Cybolla, returned to America and lived a very long life in all the luxury his unmeasured wealth could afford.
However, he enjoyed his wealth as a lonely, isolated man.
His wife, his children, his family and his friends disowned him because of the absolutely disgusting appearance and stench of the man because of the crap. They did not understand why he refused to wash the mess and clean himself.
After many, lonely years, he neared death. Realizing he had only a few more days to live, the business man decided he wanted more than anything else to see his wife and children again.
Carefully, he went into the shower with steel wool cleaning pads and a chisel.
It took him most of the day, but he was clean and ready to greet his family at the door when they arrived for dinner. He spent a wonderful evening sharing with the family, catching up on all the news and local gossip, and finally they left.
Later that night, the business man died.
Now I would not have imposed upon your time and attention without having a purpose. I am very sensitive to the value of time and am determined to make the time you have given to this story worthwhile. My goal in telling this story is to draw from the experience of this heroic and fabulously wealthy man and learn so that we might become better and more mature individuals.
I believe the true message of this story is in fact, a moral with deep meaning for us all:
"If the Foo shits, wear it."
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh...No pun in ten did.
| 1. A bicycle
can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.