A 75-year-old Jewish lady says to her husband: "Sam, you know vat, I tink I'll go to the doctor and get an checkup." 
The husband says, "Tis a goot idea dahling." 
So, she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and tells him about not having a checkup in 25 years. 
Dr. Levine tells her, "Get undressed and put on this gown and we will check out everything."
"OK," she tell him.
The doctor puts his hand under the gown and lifts her right breast and says to her:  " Say 99."
She says "99."
"I see nothing wrong there," says the doctor. He then puts his hand under the gown and lifts her left breast and repeats saying, "Say 99."
She says "99."
Dr. Levine says. "OK with this one also. We might as well check your other vitals..... Lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrup."
The doctor then puts on the rubber glove and some KY jelly on the  glove and is checking her private parts for any sign of lumps, etc. He then says to her, "Say 99."
She says, "Vun, two, three........"
 A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
~ Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
~ Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.
~ Dad: now surfs with two remotes   Mom: never complains
~ She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
~ The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
~ Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
~ The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
~ "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
~ Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
~ "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."
~ Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
~ Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
~ In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A  man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he 
had  health insurance. 
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 
The  nun asked if he had money in the bank. 
He replied, "No money in the bank." 
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" 
He said,  "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." 
The nun became agitated and  announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 
The  patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law." 

A.M.A. Update 

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. 
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. 
Just thought you'd like to know.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,  "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

 "Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" 
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said "I don't care I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." 
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?" 
"Your name never came up," she replied. 
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"