RHYTHM METHOD

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 98 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our  advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


MATTER OF LOGIC

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


FINAL REQUESTS

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


LIVING WILL GUIDELINES

A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will:

(Source: theonion.com)

MEMORIAL STONE

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, "How can that be?

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500.  And of course I made a donation to the church ... that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake; food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My gosh, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."