Do-It-Yourself Country Song

I met her _____ (1)_____  __(2)___;  I can still recall ____(3)_____
1
on the highway 
in Sheboygan 
outside Fresno 
at a truck stop 
on probation 
in a jail cell 
in a nightmare 
incognito 
in the Stone Age 
in a treehouse 
in a gay bar 
2
in September
at McDonald's
ridin' shotgun
wrestlin' gators
all hunched over
poppin' uppers
sort of pregnant
with joggers
stoned on oatmeal
with Merv Griffin
dead all over
3
that purple dress
that little hat
that burlap bra
those training pants
the stolen goods
that plastic nose
the Stassin pin
the neon sign
that creepy smile
the hearing aid
the boxer shorts

she wore; She was ______ (4)_____   _____(5)_____,
4
sobbin' at the toll booth 
drinkin' Dr. Pepper 
weighted down with Twinkies 
breakin' out with acne 
crawlin' through the prairie 
smellin' kind of funny 
crashin' through the guardrail 
chewin' on a hangnail 
talkin' in Swahili 
drownin' in the quicksand 
slurpin' up linguini 
5
in the twilight
but I loved her
by the off-ramp
near Poughkeepsie
with her cobra
when she shot me
on her elbows
with Led-Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with a wetback
in her muu-muu

and I knew ___(6)____; ___(7)____ I'd ___(8)___ forever;

no guy would ever love her more 
that she would be an easy score 
she'd bought her dentures in a store 
that she would be a crashing bore 
I'd never rate her more than "4" 
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore 
it was a raven, nothing more 
we really lost the last World War 
I'd have to scrape her off the floor 
what strong deodorants were for 
that she was rotten to the core 
that I would upchuck on the floor 
7
I promised her 
I knew deep down 
She asked me if 
I told her shrink 
The judge declared 
My Pooh Bear said 
I shrieked in pain 
The painters knew 
A Klingon said 
My hamster thought
The blood test showed 
Her rabbi said 
8
stay with her
warp her mind
swear off booze
change my sex
punch her out
live off her
have my rash
stay a dwarf
hater her dog
pick my nose
play "Go Fish"
salivate

She said to me __(9)__; But who'd have thought she'd __(10)___
9
our love would never die 
there was no other guy 
man wasn't meant to fly 
that Nixon didn't lie 
her basset hound was shy 
that Rolaids made her high 
she'd have a swiss on rye 
she loved my one blue eye 
her brother's name was Hy 
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" 
that birthdays made her cry 
she couldn't stand my tie 
10
run off
wind up
boogie
yodel
sky dive
turn green
freak out
blast off
make it 
black out
bobsled
grovel

_____(11)______;   ____ (12)_____ goodbye.
11 
with my best friend 
in my Edsel 
on a surfboard 
on "The Gong Show" 
with her dentist 
on her "Workmate" 
with a robot 
with no clothes on 
at her health club 
in her Maytag 
with her guru 
while in labor 
12
You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
 She sealed me in the vault and smirked.